How to Become a Popular Blogger...

The point of this post is to actually discuss what makes you popular in the blogging world. If you write about/do any of the things I have listed below, you are going to be one of the top bloggers of the Blogging world.

1. Kiss the asses of the fellow bloggers.
"Oh, TheVirginAuthor! You're so funny and clever!" Fuck you. Stop trying to suck up to me. I don't like you and I never will. Stop stealing my shit, too. Yes, I know it's funny and clever and you wish you could write the way I do, but you can't. Face it: you have nothing to write about and even when you do, no one cares. Go suffocate yourself with a pillow.

2. Leave on a daily basis.
"I'm done with Blogging!" Okay, we'll see you tomorrow. I get it; you've had all the drama/bullshit/blah, blah, blah. "Seriously! I'm leaving!" Leave already. Despite how popular you think you are, no one gives a shit if you leave and never come back.  Just leave quietly and never return. You're not that important, despite what you may think. "I'm never coming back! Never!" Ok, we'll see you in a week or two. Take care.

3. Be a slut.
Post an abundant amount of pictures of yourself in the most revealing clothing you can find. Don't worry, we all believe it's you in the pictures... really, we do. That's definitely you. There's no way in hell you could be morbidly obese or completely deformed. Wait, I've seen that picture on a porn site before. Ah, you trickster you. You had me going for a minute. You clever, fucker!

4. Attack fellow Bloggers.
Rat bastards actually posting shit that's worth reading. How dare they do such a thing? I'm special too! I never have shit to say (well, I do but it's boring and not worth reading at all.) I'll show them! I'll show em all! I'll attack The Virgin Author/Blah/Bullshit/LameBlogger/BaldBlogger/StupidTeenyBloggers! That'll get my message across. I'll show everyone I'm not dicking around. I'm serious.

5. Be emo.
Your life does suck. I know, I understand. Unfortunately there is really nothing else to do about it. I know you were hoping for some glimmer of hope, but I'm sorry; there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no silver lining. Life is always going to suck. Your parents are never going to love you; your boyfriend/girlfriend really will find someone much more attractive than you and leave you as soon as that person comes along. You don't need that shit! Show ‘em who's boss and, and, make a bowl out of your skull with a shotgun blast!

6. Be a cutter.
Tell us about how deep you decided to cut tonight, how much blood was flowing from your arm. We'll simply laugh and tell you to go for the jugular vein next time. Stop wasting your time with knives and razors and pick up something that actually gets the job done (like a gun.)

7. Be depressed.
We really do care how you are. Really, we do. Honestly. Why would I lie to you? Ok, fine. I'm lying. No one gives a fuck about how depressed you are. Seek help for it, pop a few pills, or run back and forth on a busy interstate until you single handedly stop traffic for a couple of hours. Life's depressing. Shit happens. Get the fuck over it and move on.

8. Give us your daily diet routine.
It'll never work. You know that, right? Once you lose all that weight and feel good about yourself you're just going to gain it all back. If you're fat you're always going to be fat. If you lose 60 pounds you're still going to be that fat, insignificant little shit no one ever cared about and no one ever will. Go stuff your face full of ice cream and get over it, lard ass.

9. Tell us about your break up.
He/she doesn't love you anymore. There will be others out there though, right? Surely there will be. There's someone for everyone. Everyone has a soul mate. You probably still believe in it, don't you? Its ok, keep believing there's someone out there for you. Whatever helps you sleep at night? Fucking loser. I can see why you're single.

10. Write some bullshit poems.
They're great! They are! We all love reading them. Keep it up and you'll get published. I really feel your pain or joy by the way you use your words (as simplistic and monotonous as they are.) By the way, we absolutely love when you rhyme obvious words. It's original and there's no way in hell anyone else rhymes better than you; you deep, dark, misunderstood, tortured soul.

11. Repeatedly click F5 on your computer.
Well, holy shit someone has been viewed 2000+ times. This shit must be brill-- wait a minute... I've seen three month old children blog better than this. You almost had me, you asshole. How fucking worthless does it have to be to view yourself 2000+ times? Ok, fine, it wasn't all you. Your mom and dad and siblings want to be supportive and all. In that case, they should die with you.

12. Tell us how abusive your boyfriend/girlfriend/parents/wife/husband/whomever the fuck is.
In an abusive relationship? Sucks for you. You know it's your fault, right? No one will ever tell you that, but it is. You decided to pick them and to love them unconditionally and they constantly abuse you physically and emotionally. You deserve it. Maybe they're right, you really are worthless and you never will find anyone else to love you. Have fun getting kicked down the stairs. The whole pity party thing still works to this day. Clever, clever. Way to play that shit up.

13. Tell us about your views on “God”?
Yeah! Tell ‘em all everything good/bad about God has done for you! Like how he... no, that wasn't him. Oh, there was when he... no, that was your stupid ass. Well, he did... no, that was my dog. Ok, maybe he hasn't done anything, but damnit that guy has some damn good ideas! Honestly, I haven't seen shit that's impressed me yet. Face it; he'll fuck us over just like every other leader of this country has done. Way to go, God. Way to go.

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