Friends with me? Like, really?

"Who would want me as their friend? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me." - Randal Grave, from the movie Clerks 2.

Well, in a weird way, I've wondered that as well about myself.

It's pretty much how life works. Right? We make friends and lose friends. But, then again, some people are distraught over this. Me? I never have been. I know I should be, but I'm not. Weird? Maybe.

I've never gotten upset about people coming and going in my life. This isn't to say I don't consider my friends unimportant or that I don't care about them. I am very loyal when it comes to my friends and will defend them and take up for them when I need to do so.

Anyone who knows me knows how I am -  I'm a prick. I wonder how I still have friends a lot of the time. I can be hard to get along with sometimes. People sometimes don't know how to take my humor. They aren't sure if I'm joking or not. Sometimes even my friends that have known me since ages, are taken aback by the things that come out of my mouth. I just think that if you decide to consider me your friend, you should know what you're getting into. You are eventually going to be a target of insults and ribbing. My friends don't seem to mind this. That's pretty much the basis of any one's friendship with others.

Most of my friends I have kept for years, are used to me. Most of the time they just shake their heads and mutter, "Fuck you!" I don't have many friends. I don't have many friends because people are so sensitive and insecure and I know any little thing I say is going to rub them the wrong way and they are going to take it personally. Thanks, but no thanks. I'd much rather stick to having friends who know how to take a joke as just that... a joke.

I got off topic, anyway. I understand that we grow up and we grow apart. I was asked by someone if I'd be upset if for some reason I was no longer friends with a certain friend of mine. I didn't have an answer. I don't know still. This person is one of my best friends and has been for several years. Then again, I pretty much cut another person out of my life recently to whom I was extremely close and felt nothing about it. We grow up, we grow apart. No sense pissing and moaning about it. I shrug and say to myself. "Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Enjoy the rest of your life." No big deal. Maybe that's harsh of me, but that's just how I am.

Hell, it may be a defense mechanism. Who knows? I just always keep my fingers crossed that no one asks me this question because I really don't want to answer.

I don't feel I need to sacrifice who I am and have always been because a friend doesn't agree with it. I believe that as a friend, you should accept me as I am. My good and bad qualities. If you decide to exit my life then it really is no skin off my back. I'm not changing for anyone. I was told by someone a few months back that I am "not the guy she knew." Well, obviously you didn't know me well in the first place. Then again, you're not the person I thought I knew either so I'd say we're even.

Apathy is the best therapy!